Why Our Approach To Dealing With Problems Sucks

Problems suck

My roommate asked me yesterday, “How do I stop the people at work from trying to screw me over?”

He hadn’t had a great day yesterday, and he felt like everybody was out to get him. “Why are they always after me? What have I ever done to them?”

It really pained him. And he didn’t know what to do.

And I understand him. Sometimes it seems like everything sucks. We don’t really know why things are unfolding as they are, but we do know that we don’t like the direction.

So, we want to prevent it from happening again.

These situations are commonly referred to as having a problem.

Now, problems are tricky things and can take many forms. They can manifest as painful family dynamics, or they might make it seem like everything is falling apart at work. They could enter your life in the form of bad health or possibly even as bad breath.

And while problems arising can be bad enough (especially the last one—ugh), often we don’t even know how to deal with them. We feel powerless and helpless.

We might feel like things are slowly slipping away, but all we can do is watch. That is an awful feeling.

And yes, there are times when there is nothing we can do. BUT. Often there is. We just don’t know it yet.

Why our approach to dealing with problems also sucks

Usually it starts like this: We are walking around, being alive, and then all of a sudden, we notice a problem: “My wife keeps bickering at me!” [Step 1: We notice a problem]

Then we’ll go, “Oh no, make it go away!” and we’ll find someone to blame: “I didn’t do anything wrong. She shouldn’t be bickering at me.” [Step 2: Assign blame]

Third, we’ll direct our fury at that person: “Oh, she sucks! Why can’t she ever leave me alone? Damn her!” [Step 3: Be annoyed]

After we do the first 3 steps, we often feel better. The problem is still there, but we figured out whose fault it is, and we got annoyed.

I mean, what more can you do? Not much. Our work is pretty much done. Now it’s up to the person we blame to fix it. [Step 4: Wait for the problem to be fixed]

If we’re feeling especially helpful, we might even trouble ourselves and tell the person how to fix our problem: “You know if she wasn’t hanging around with her annoying friend Sara so much, she wouldn’t be so bitchy.” [Possible step 5: Tell person how to fix problem]

There you go. That’s a solid process.

Our usual approach to dealing with problems:

1. Notice a problem.

2. Assign blame.

3. Be annoyed at the person we think is to blame.

4. Wait for other people to fix our problem.

5. Possibly tell them how we think they should fix our problem.

However, for some odd reason, that approach usually doesn’t work all that well. Weird.

Sometimes the person we blame doesn’t think it’s their fault, or they are unwilling to solve our problem. At times, they even have the audacity to be annoyed when we tell them how they ought to fix it. Can you believe it?

How can our approach suck less?

You might have noticed that I called it “our problem.” That’s because I like Mark Manson’s way of putting it: “Just because it’s not our fault doesn’t mean it’s not our responsibility.”

So, even if we’re not the reason something happened (although we’re often contributing to it more than we think), it is still our responsibility to deal with the consequences.

Great! How could we take more responsibility for dealing with our problems?

We could flip it around.

After “Step 1: Noticing a problem,” we could try to figure out underlying reasons that contribute to the problem. And especially look for underlying reasons we can influence. [Improved step 2: Look for underlying reasons we have control over.]

In our example, we might ask ourselves, “What could the underlying reasons be that my wife is bickering at me?”

You might guess, “Maybe she isn’t as satisfied as she used to be.”

And then you examine what things are within your power to influence that underlying reason: “I can control my actions. If I were a more loving husband, she might be happier.”

The third step is then to take action to improve the part that you have control over. Meaning, perhaps you could treat your wife to a loving dinner date and tell her the things you appreciate about her. [Improved step 3: Do things within your power to improve things.]

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Pro tip: If you want to supercharge your effectiveness, you can repeat step 2 a couple of times before you move on to step 3 (always focusing on the parts that you have control over).

That could look like this:

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“My wife isn’t as satisfied as she used to be.” → Look for underlying reasons you have control over.

“That might be because our marriage hasn’t been too great lately.” → Look for underlying reasons you have control over.

“I guess that’s in part due to me taking my stress from work out on her.” → Look for underlying reasons you have control over.

“One reason for me feeling stressed is probably because I put too much pressure on myself.” → Look for underlying reasons you have control over.

“I even remember being too hard on myself in school. I really wanted to make my parents proud, but it was never enough for them. I guess I still carry that pain with me.”

If you implement step 3 now, you could fix the most underlying issue and thereby make all the other ones disappear too (or at least easier to deal with). How cool is that?

Although, that being said, it does usually take a lot of time to get to the bottom of things (sometimes years). And in the process you’ll likely have to face a lot of uncomfortable truths. So, be patient with yourself there.

And as a side note: In my experience, it almost always comes down to feeling some pain you have been carrying with you for a long, long time.

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The last step is then not to worry about all the other factors that you can’t control that are influencing the outcome. You can’t control them, after all. So why fuss about them?

In fact, I’d suggest not getting too attached to the outcome at all. [Step 4: Don’t worry about the other factors you can’t control.]

Just worry about doing what you can. If you get the outcome you want, great! If not, back to the drawing board. Start with step 2 again.

The improved approach to dealing with problems:

1. Notice a problem.

2. Look for underlying reasons that you can positively influence.

3. Take charge and positively influence them.

4. Don’t worry about the other factors you can’t control.

(Repeat step 2 multiple times before you move on to step 3 for extra effectiveness.)

Last thoughts

To circle back to the question my roommate asked me:

I’ve never gone to work with him, so I don’t know what underlying issues there might be for his specific problem. But I have noticed that he isn’t always taking great care of a bunch of the very basic things. The ones that influence almost anything we do. For him, I think he would benefit greatly from doing the following:

• Getting more exercise.

• Eating healthier.

• Getting up at the same time every day and getting 8 hours of sleep.

• Not playing video games so much.

• Avoid giving so much attention to things that are outside his control.

• Deliberately seeking out things that take him out of his comfort zone.

I’d be very surprised if those wouldn’t improve a whole lot of other things in his life too.

A similar thought led me to write this tweet: