Why Conflict Is Very Necessary

How I tried to avoid conflict

When I first moved in with my roommate, I really wanted a good relationship with him. Or at the very least, not a bad one. After all, this guy was going to be two rooms away for most of my waking hours (and my non-waking ones too). That’s not the guy I want to have a difficult relationship with.

So, I thought about how to have a good relationship. But I didn’t think about it long-term. My thought process was something like, “Okay, just avoid conflict. Conflict is bad.”

Which meant instead of having tough but necessary conversations, I pretended that things didn’t bother me. If there were dirty dishes in the kitchen, I just hoped he would remember to clean them. I didn’t want to ask him to. I feared he would think of me as some annoying stickler.

Not speaking up didn’t turn out to be a great strategy. The dishes wouldn’t get done, and I would grow frustrated. This went on for a while.

Then, one day I noticed I dreaded going back to the apartment. I didn’t want to see dirty dishes and pretend it was fine. I realized something had to give. I was either going to go crazy pretending OR I would have to start speaking up. Which is what I did.

What happened once I started speaking up

Starting to have the uncomfortable conversations accomplished three things:

1. I felt a little uncomfortable during the conversations.

2. I felt more comfortable after because I said what was on my mind.

3. The apartment got cleaner.

Which also meant I had to face the fact that I was less powerful than I had assumed I was. It was not a conscious choice, but my actions implied one thing: me thinking I’m capable of not having conflict.

I thought I could pretend things were different from how they were AND get away with it. But I was wrong. The conflict just manifested itself in a different way. It emerged as resentment.

Being frustrated but not saying anything led to me being less patient with him. I also felt less empathetic when he would voice a concern.

Which are both much more backhanded ways of airing my frustration.

This is why when I heard Jordan Peterson say, “A marriage ends in divorce when there’s 10,000 fights that haven’t been had.” It really spoke to me. He continues, “That’s 10,000 times you remained silent when you had something to say.”