As I am getting older, I notice how much more I am influenced by emotions than I thought I was. When I was younger, I thought that the decisions I made were based on logic. I thought that emotions were things that just came and went without them actually doing much.
Boy, was I wrong. I think I might have been so wrong that it would have been more true if I had thought the exact opposite. The more I realize how much of an impact emotions are actually having on me, the more I want to learn how to deal with them in an effective way.
Figuring out that I am often trying to avoid feeling something by either undervaluing or overvaluing my emotions was eye-opening for me. Here’s what I mean.
Two ways of dealing with uncomfortable emotions
Child’s approach
When I was a little kid, emotions were everything. Their word was law. They knew what was right and what was wrong.
Feeling hungry? I had to have food! Now! Feeling bored? Someone entertain me! Otherwise uncomfortable? Let’s let everybody know!
That also meant that when I was angry at someone, it was a hundred percent their fault. Obviously. Because I was right. I could feel it. My emotions told me so. And they were all I knew.
I guess we all start out like that. From the time we are babies, all we know are emotions. We act purely on how we feel. Because all we do is feel. This is also why babies and small children can laugh as wholeheartedly as they do. They don’t second-guess their emotions, they just express them. Even though they aren’t even consciously aware of what they feel – let alone why they feel it – they act it out.
Teenager’s approach
When I got older, that changed. I became more self-aware. I became able to think about the consequences of my actions. I became able to judge myself. I started hiding my emotions because I was embarrassed by them. I realized that I didn’t like feeling certain emotions, and I started resenting them for being there. I didn’t like feeling insecure or scared. So I started pretending that I didn’t. I didn’t like being embarrassed and hurt. So I acted like I couldn’t be. Even though the opposite was true.
I was uncomfortable having those emotions. Which, of course, didn’t help. I now not only felt insecure, I started feeling insecure about feeling insecure. I not only felt embarrassed, I became embarrassed about being embarrassed. I felt like it wasn’t okay for me to feel certain emotions, that I shouldn’t be feeling them. I thought that a better man wouldn’t be feeling these feelings.
Therefore, I judged those feelings for being there. And I judged myself for having them. I didn’t want them to be there, I didn’t ask them to be there. So I pushed them away and ignored them.
How it is today
How my inner child shows up today
Both of those ways of dealing with emotions are still with me. Sometimes the approach I learned when I was a little child takes over. This means I feel a certain emotion and immediately act on it. Although not in the same way as when I was a child.
When I was little, anger or frustration would make me throw a temper tantrum. Nowadays, it’s more subtle. I don’t throw temper tantrums or scream when I don’t get my way anymore (unless I haven’t had my afternoon nap, and I’m cranky). But I still react impulsively to emotions. Some more than others. One I struggle with a lot is boredom.
Example
Here’s a simple example: I might be doing some project I’ve been meaning to get to. It is not an exciting project. I am starting to feel bored. I find myself watching YouTube videos, even though I really should keep working. This, of course, isn’t the end of the world. But it’s the mechanism that’s interesting. It’s the same as when a kid throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket because it didn’t get a new toy:
I feel something I don’t like feeling (boredom).
I mistake feeling bad for doing something bad.
I don’t want to be doing something bad. So I stop.
I start doing something that feels good instead.
Which is exactly what the kid in the supermarket is doing. He feels something he doesn’t like feeling (disappointment/frustration). He then (subconsciously) thinks that because it doesn’t feel good to not get the toy, it must mean that he should be getting the toy. He starts doing everything he can in order to get the toy. When that doesn’t work, he does the next best thing to make himself feel better. Which is feeling like a victim and blaming everyone around him for oppressing him. And then getting revenge by taking his frustration out on them, making them miserable too.
Explanation
I’d say watching YouTube videos is not as bad as screaming at people. So, one might think, “If it just results in watching videos on YouTube, where’s the harm in that?” Well, it doesn’t just apply to watching videos on YouTube. If I can’t control my emotions enough to be able to do something that isn’t exciting, I will have a very hard time doing anything that’s difficult and worthwhile.
And second, being unable to withstand any small amount of discomfort will make me very susceptible to everything that helps me avoid it. That could be video games, porn, drugs, or gambling. And whenever I find myself doing something because I am running from something else, instead of it being a conscious choice, I find it very hard to quit.
That’s because I am overvaluing my emotions. In the case of me quitting something because of boredom, I valued feeling bad so much that I allowed it to change my behavior without thinking about it rationally. I thought that because it felt bad, it must have been bad. So, instead of seeing it as one possible perspective, I viewed it as the only possible perspective. And therefore, I acted on it immediately.
How my inner teenager shows up today
In other situations, I behave more like when I was a teenager. I feel something, I don’t like what I’m feeling, so I push it away. This tends to happen more with emotions I’m insecure about feeling.
Example
Let me give you an example of when I did this: During a past relationship of mine, I valued my girlfriend’s opinion of me more than I should have. This made my sense of self-worth rather fragile. When I felt secure, I felt great. But when I was unsure about her opinion of me, I became unsure about myself. On some level, I noticed this. And I felt weak for being so dependent on her opinion. I judged myself for it. And therefore, I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge my insecurity.
Because I couldn’t accept being insecure, I overcompensated and acted like I didn’t care about her opinion much at all. I also got defensive quickly whenever I felt attacked.
This meant that I couldn’t address the issue openly and honestly. Instead, I just hid my insecurity somewhere I wouldn’t have to look or deal with it.
This, of course, made me feel less uncomfortable in the moment, but in the long run, it prevented me from feeling more secure in my relationship.
Explanation
In this case, I was undervaluing my emotions. I valued them so little that I thought I could just ignore their existence and push them away. I acted like my emotions were so insignificant that I could do with them whatever I wanted to. With zero consequences.
Which resulted in me being influenced by them without realizing it for a long time.
Commonalities
In both cases, I try to avoid feeling something. Because feeling it would make me uncomfortable. The only difference is in my approach:
I try to avoid feeling something by acting it out.
I try to avoid feeling something by pushing it away and pretending it doesn’t exist.
Both times, it will likely result in me doing something I wouldn’t have done otherwise. Whether it is quitting a beneficial but boring task or pretending to be something I’m not, doing those things will make me feel better in the moment but will hurt me in the long run.
As Simone Weil said, “All sins are attempts to fill voids.” I think this can apply to emotions as well:
“A lot of stupid things are done to try and avoid feeling something.” – Me.
So, how do we start feeling fully again?
A better way
Here are two realizations that have been very beneficial to me:
Realization 1:
It was very helpful for me to realize: I am not my emotions. Feeling something isn’t the same as being something. I might feel bad, but that doesn’t mean that I am bad.
The same goes for the things I do: Even though something feels bad, that doesn’t mean it is bad. If I am doing something that doesn’t feel fun or exciting, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be doing it.
Or that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel it. It just means that feeling something and acting on it are two different things. I can feel something fully and not act on it whatsoever. Or I can feel something and decide that I am going to take action. Neither is inherently good or bad, as long as the decision I’m making is intentional.
Realization 2:
The second thing that was helpful for me to realize was: Negative emotions are just as much a part of life as positive emotions are. They are unavoidable. I don’t think that I’ll ever live without feeling bad every now and then. A part of me thought that if I would learn and do all the right things, I would never feel bad ever again. I don’t think that’s possible. Which means I can start embracing the fact that I’ll never get rid of negative emotions. I can now work on living a life where I don’t judge my emotions for being there. One where I simply accept and feel them.
Example
Now we talked about why not feeling doesn’t make things better. But what would an actual example look like?
Here is one from my own life: I am often a little nervous going to social events. In the past, especially, I could be really stressed by them. I would be thinking things like, “What if I embarrass myself?” or “What if I don’t feel comfortable there?”
The reason for that is I identified with my emotions too much. I mistook them for me. I thought that feeling insecure made me a failure. That if you did things right, you wouldn’t feel insecure. Which meant I thought I was doing something wrong every time I felt insecure.
This obviously put way too much pressure on me. If the only way for me to be happy with myself is to never feel insecure, what kind of expectations are those?
So, over time, I started realizing that:
Everybody feels insecure sometimes. It doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong, it means you are a human being.
I shouldn’t be judging the things I’m feeling. Why? Because I don’t really have a say in which emotions emerge and which don’t. What I do have control over are my actions. That’s why I should judge myself based on how I act, not on how I feel. Can I act courageously even though I’m insecure? Can I be empathetic even though I’m afraid?
When I no longer expected me to never feel insecure, it became much more comfortable for me to go out. I was no longer holding myself to impossible standards and, as a result, became much happier with myself.
Summary
For me dealing with my emotions in a more healthy and productive way (neither undervaluing nor overvaluing) comes down to these three steps:
Practicing being aware of what I’m feeling and why. Can I pinpoint what triggered the specific emotion?
Embracing the emotion fully instead of pushing it away. Not judging it for being there, even though it might be uncomfortable to feel.
Thanking my emotions for being there and then going and making my own decision, neither ignoring their input nor mistaking it for the only possible perspective. What actions within my control would be the most productive right now? Do those, and don’t worry about everything else.
This all starts with awareness. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, I can’t deal with my emotions in an intentional way. That’s why one of the pitfalls for me is getting so distracted by other things in life that I lose touch with my emotions. At that point I have to stop, refocus, and deliberately pay attention to the things I’m feeling.
This has helped me, even though I struggle with it a lot and fall short all the time. Still, it has helped me feel more comfortable with myself, set clearer boundaries, increase my self-respect, and live life more like my true self.
Those three steps are what help me (tremendously). Of course, I still struggle with it from time to time, and sometimes I fail. But practicing neither overvaluing nor undervaluing my emotions has been very beneficial to me in a lot of ways: it has helped me feel more comfortable with myself, deal with negative emotions better, and allowed me to learn more about who I am.
I’m excited to keep getting better at it and to see where it takes me. Maybe what has helped me can help you too.