Here is an example that illustrates what I have been thinking about quite well:
I am talking to a girl I don’t know very well. I happen to mention that I like to do martial arts a couple of times per week.
Her reaction: “Ugh, you mean the sport where people punch each other in the face? Like cavemen? I don’t get why anyone would feel the need to do something like that.”
Me (feeling attacked): “What are you talking about? Do you even have an idea what you’re saying?”
Her: “I guess it’s just one of those stupid guy things.”
This then results in me being pissed off and feeling insulted for the next hour. To myself: “She doesn’t know what she is talking about. What an idiotic opinion. This is pissing me off!”
My reason for reacting the way I did
That’s roughly how I remember that interaction going. You might notice that I took that quite personally and that I became pretty defensive. Which I was. Here is what I think played a role in my reaction: When I feel secure in a specific area, I care less what others think of me in that area. But if I am feeling insecure about something, it will become more important to me that other people think I am good at it. I become invested in the outcome of the situation (other people’s opinion of me). If they think well of me, I feel good about myself, but if they don’t, I don’t.
And I guess something in that conversation triggered some insecurity. Which in itself is not something bad because I’ll always have insecurities. The important thing is how I deal with them.
A better way
Let’s take a look at how I could have responded better.
What I could have done differently is take a step back first. I could have chosen responding not reacting, as it is called. Instead of going, “She attacked something I’m doing! How dare she?” I could have noticed that she must have struck a nerve somewhere. Then I could have been intentional about not becoming defensive because of it. Best-case scenario, I would have been grateful that she gave me the opportunity to learn a little more about myself.
Benefits of taking a step back
Not immediately labeling something as good or bad based on a knee-jerk reaction has been beneficial to me in several ways:
It helped me be a lot more calm and intentional about what I focus my energy on.
I can learn a lot more from other people now because I can more consciously differentiate between their emotional way of saying something and the actual underlying message that they are trying to convey.
It helped me admit to being wrong more easily. I now recognize more often when I am clinging to an opinion because I find the idea of letting it go painful.
Much of our experience of life depends on the story we tell ourselves about it. And the story I tell myself today might be different from the one I tell myself tomorrow. That might also change my mind about some things I labeled as bad. So, I can save a lot of energy by just learning to accept things for what they are without making judgments about their value.
Maybe it can save you energy too.