The Misconceptions I Had About Confidence When I Was Younger

Does this sound familiar?

When you watch movies, there is often this one confident, charming man. He’s awesome. You watch him beat up bad guys, drive cool cars, and effortlessly flirt with the ladies. No matter what he’s up against, he deals with it. Often with ease.

They can ignore him, take him captive, or hurt him; it doesn’t matter. He’ll still have a smirk on his face and a cool joke to respond with. He remains unfazed.

Which brings you to your conclusion: “This dude rocks! I want to be like him!”

So, what does he have that you don’t? Depending on the character, it might be different things. It could be a nice car, the ability to grow a beard, or even superpowers. But one thing they almost always have is irresistible, impenetrable confidence.

Which you don’t. You get insecure at times. Then, often, you wish that you didn’t. Which makes you feel bad for not feeling confident.

Does that sound familiar? Yes? Well, then you’re like me. That’s how I used to think, too. In fact, I’ve put together a list of some more of the misconceptions I had about confidence when I was younger. Here they are:

• It’s all about how you feel. If you don’t feel confident, then you’ve already lost. The feeling comes first. Without feeling confident, you can’t do confident things.

• You either have it or you don’t. Some people are confident. And others just aren’t.

• If you feel a little insecure, people can sense it. They can see your thoughts. That’s why if you feel unsure, you’ve already lost. Other people will now see your weakness and know that you’re not confident.

• If you did things “right,” you would feel confident. Always. If you don’t always feel awesome, you’re a failure.

• There is only one opinion, and it’s always right. If someone thinks you are not confident, then you are not. Everyone will agree. Which means everybody must think you’re confident all the time, or else you’ve lost.

• If you did something but felt scared doing it, it doesn’t count. It only counts if you did something and it didn’t faze you.

What I now think

Now, I think that’s pretty much bullshit.

I think this is a lot more accurate:

• Everybody gets nervous, has self-doubt and insecurities. People who seem confident feel bad about themselves, just like everybody else. You shouldn’t expect to always feel confident. Because you can’t. That is why it’s not about how you feel. It’s about what you do. You can do things whether you feel confident or not.

• Thinking that your feelings define you is an impossible game to win. After all, you can’t control your feelings. You can influence them, sure, but you didn’t choose to feel every feeling you’ve ever felt. That’s why thinking or feeling certain things doesn’t make you wrong. What matters is which ones you choose to act on.

• Doing something isn’t less of an accomplishment if you feel nervous doing it. If anything, it makes it more impressive.

I think confidence is about being comfortable with who you are and knowing that you can trust yourself:

• You’ll feel more comfortable with yourself once you stop trying to be someone you’re not.

• You’ll know that you can trust yourself when you do the things you believe are right and when you do what you say you’re going to do.

The more I became aware of these things, the more they’ve helped me.

Maybe they can help you too.

…

I want to leave you with a dialogue from Game of Thrones.

Powerful and just Lord Eddard Stark talks to his son Bran:

Bran: “Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”

Lord Stark: “That is the only time a man can be brave.”