The Fucked-Up Things TV Shows Taught Me About Dating

When I was younger, I didn’t know much about dating. But I thought, “Surely, I must be the only one struggling with this.” So, I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t want to seem foolish.

However, I wasn’t totally on my own. I had a source of abundant information at my disposal: TV shows.

Which is where I (subconsciously) learned how dating is supposed to work.

Yes… not a great idea. But I didn’t know that. Which is why it took me a long time to figure out why I was struggling so much. It was because I internalized a whole bunch of wrong lessons that aren’t actually grounded in reality. Here’s what I learned from TV shows that I now (strongly) disagree with:

The fucked-up things I learned

• You either have it or you don’t. Some guys just are attractive, and nothing will really change that. Others are simply not attractive. And nothing is going to change that either.

• One-night stands are a number of things: They are always fun, have no downsides, should be pursued, and are a big accomplishment if achieved.

• If you’re not dating, you are a loser.

• Women must be convinced, swayed, or really drunk to agree to have (casual) sex.

• If one is simply attractive enough, every woman in the world will be interested in you. If she’s not into you, then you are either not attractive enough or you didn’t say the right things.

• When men and women are flirting, it is a game. In that game you are playing against each other. If the guy gets the girl to go home with him, he wins.

• I’m not sure what the girl is trying to do. I guess if the guy is unattractive, her goal is to reject him as rudely and with as much contempt as possible. If he is attractive, charming, and confident, her goal might be to have him buy her drinks and pay her attention as much as possible. Only to destroy his hopes right before the night ends with a devious smile and a mesmerizing toss of hair as she walks away from him. (Not sure where I picked that up from.)

What I now believe

• Attractiveness is not a fixed trait. It can be developed a lot. Also, just because one girl is not into you doesn’t mean others won’t be. They don’t all share one mind (even though it sometimes seems that way).

• One-night stands can be fun. They also can be stressful, messy, hurtful and DO carry significant risks (pregnancy, STDs, going home with a crazy person, etc.). It is not obligatory to pursue them.

• There are many reasons not to be dating. Linking any of them to being a loser neither makes sense nor helps you in any way.

• The notion that women must be convinced to have sex implies one of two things. One: You think women in general don’t like sex. Two: They do like sex, just not with you.
  The first one is certainly wrong. They are just not as fond of it as men tend to be. The second one could potentially be true. But in that case, you would be much better off working on yourself instead of trying to “trick” women. As I’ve already said, attractiveness is not a fixed trait.

• I want to say this again because younger me would have definitely had to hear this multiple times to believe it: Women are human beings just like everybody else. They have the same hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities as you. They don’t require being tricked. You don’t have to put up a false front to get them to like you. They like to interact with honest people who are being themselves, just like you do.
  

• If not every woman in every situation everywhere is into you, you are not doing something wrong. That is how it’s supposed to be. In fact, most times, in most situations, a woman will not be attracted to you. This is normal. In fact, there are a lot of situations where women won’t be attracted to anyone. No matter who it is. So, leave them and your self-judgment alone. (This caused me a ton of stress before I realized it. For a while I thought that every girl who didn’t throw herself into my arms immediately meant I sucked.)

• Flirting can be regarded as a game because it can be playful and fun. It is not a game in the sense that you are playing against each other. It will only become like that if you insist on playing it that way. But why would you do that? Why don’t you just look for a girl who wants what you want, and then you can both enjoy it?

Do you recognize yourself in some of these statements? Don’t let weird depictions of reality (which is what TV shows are) tell you how things are actually supposed to work.