How Valuable Is Someone’s ‘Yes’ If They Can’t Say ‘No’?

I went to my martial arts gym the other day to get some training in. I went to the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. While taking a break, I watched two guys go at it.

I noticed that one of them was being quite reckless. He pushed hard. And he didn’t seem to concern himself very much with making sure he didn’t hurt his training partner.

For example, he’d just dive on his sparring partner, pull at whatever he could get his hands on, and try to enforce certain positions. It wasn’t pretty.

Since behaving like that can get quite dangerous, I decided to have a talk with him.

I pulled him aside and told him that I’ve been watching him and that I’ve noticed him being a little rough. I asked him to start taking it easier.

He nodded and agreed, “Yes, yes, I’ve noticed that about myself too. Yes, it’s not good. I have so much fun coming here. Yes, I agree. Absolutely, yes.”

Afterwards I talked to my trainer about it. I told him who I was talking about, and my trainer went, “Oh, him? Yeah, he’s such a nice guy. He’s so friendly. What about him?”

I told him about it, and my trainer said he’d keep an eye on it.

But there was something that bugged me. Something about how the guy acts. Because he does smile a lot and readily agrees with whatever you’re saying. He’s always joking and laughing.

And I didn’t like how it felt.

Because it’s not the first time I’ve noticed him being too rough. And it’s not the first time someone has talked to him about it. Yet he’s still being reckless.

So, that’s why I’m not too fond of all his smiles and that he agrees when I tell him something. Because it doesn’t mean much to me. He agrees with everything. And he’s always smiling.

It’s a cheap signal.

How valuable is someone’s ‘yes’ if they can’t say ‘no’?

I can say, “I can fly.” But I can’t. I can still say it, though. Anybody can say anything. That’s why we’ve learned to rely more on actions than on words. Because actions are a much more reliable signal. They’re harder to fake.

I can say I can fly. But will I jump off a building to prove it? Likely, no. I can say I’m funny, but if I actually were funny, wouldn’t I just make you laugh? I can say I’m confident, but if I really were, would I even have to say it?

That’s what I think is the reason I don’t trust the guy from training. Because he’s so friendly when you’re talking to him. Like, overly so. But then you watch him spar, and you can see the look on his face change. It becomes almost frantic. He doesn’t care about being nice then. He cares about beating you. And subsequently he moves with little regard for your safety.

And I don’t like that contrast. Super-duper friendly on the one hand and vicious when push comes to shove? I don’t like that.

It reminds me of something I heard Jordan Peterson say. It was something along the lines of: If you’re nice because you can’t be anything else, you’re weak, not nice. Nice is being able to be cruel but choosing to be kind.

And I think there is a lot of truth in that.

When your words and your actions don’t match

I think a lot of it is about expectations. Nobody is going to be surprised if you seem mean, and you behave in a mean way. Also, nobody will bat an eye if you are all smiles and giggles and then you behave friendly.

But we are very prone to disgust when someone says, “I’m the nicest guy in the world.” And as soon as they think they can get away with it, they take advantage of people. We hate that. And for a good reason. It’s deceitful and cowardly.

But this is where I think it gets interesting. What would be the opposite of that? What would be the opposite of someone saying they’re nice but then acting cruel?

Someone who is tough, but once you get to know him, you’ll learn that he has a kinder side too.

Which also happens to describe half the heroes in movies. And it’s basically the plot of “Beauty and the Beast.”

I think the reason for that is because it’s a very trustworthy signal. After all, they weren’t friendly in the beginning (when they easily could have pretended they were). So, obviously they don’t care too much if you like them. But then you’re in trouble, and they come to your rescue. Why would they?

It’s not because they thought they had to. So, then that only leaves one thing: They honestly wanted to.

Wooooow. *Ladies swooning left and right*

Doing it the wrong way

I also think this is where a lot of men get it wrong (including me). They think, “I want them to like me. I want them to be impressed. Well, I’ll just be nice and smile and agree with them. How can they then not like me?”

Well, they might like you, but how can they trust you? How much will they respect you? If you always agree, then your opinion isn’t something they’ll value. And they shouldn’t. Because it can’t be trusted. (I’d say this applies to dealing with women too.)

“How valuable is someone’s ‘yes’ if they can’t say ‘no’?”

Just to be clear: I’m not saying to be mean just so that anytime you’re being nice, they’re impressed. I’m just saying don’t be more nice than you actually are.

Also, how nice are you, actually?

Because you’re probably not all that nice anyway. The only difference is that when you pretend you are, it’ll make you resentful and bitter. And the things you’ll do then will be a lot worse.