How To Deal With Overthinking: The “Baby-Or-Friend” Approach

I tend to think a lot. Sometimes it’s useful, and sometimes it’s not. Often it’s not. Frequently it’s more distracting than helpful.

For example, a couple of weeks ago I went out to shoot pool with a buddy of mine. He’s been doing a lot of introspection lately, and we talked about all kinds of interesting thoughts.

He told me things that help him feel more comfortable in his own skin. We both shared some areas in which we’re still struggling. One of them being self-consciousness.

And ironically enough, that evening my mind was really putting in overtime.

While I was trying to piece together what I wanted to say, I was also thinking things like:

• Hm, does that make sense?

• How will I come across if I say that?

• Am I looking foolish right now?

I was both formulating thoughts and observing myself formulating them.

Unsurprisingly, I found it quite difficult to be present with someone constantly whispering live commentary into my ear. Only I couldn’t tell them to shut up because they live inside my head. Ahhhh!

I told him about it, and he told me that yes, he also struggles with that.

So, what’s that about? Is there no better way?

So, what to do? What to do?

Well… there might be.

Interestingly enough, the very first chapter of the popular spiritual book “The Power Of Now” by Eckhart Tolle is called “You Are Not Your Mind.”

“Huh, I’m not?”

Apparently not.

In the chapter, he talks about how our inner voice is not who we are. Yes, it is in our heads, but we don’t have to identify with it or with what it’s saying.

Which was lovely for me to hear. Because I often judge myself on that voice. Whenever I’d notice having a thought I was kind of embarrassed for having, I’d feel guilty. I felt like it was somehow my mistake that the thought popped into my head.

And that’s still the case, even though I didn’t choose to think it. After all, we don’t have total control over our minds. Yes, we can influence it. But I didn’t choose to think every thought I’ve ever had. Some, sure, but a whole bunch of them I did not agree to.

I can intentionally introduce a certain thought that I want to be thinking about, but I can’t prohibit certain thoughts from entering my mind. I can’t go into “Settings” and navigate to “Exclude the following thoughts from coming up.”

I guess with meditation and mindfulness, you can get better at thinking fewer thoughts in general. But it doesn’t grant you the power of choosing not to think specific thoughts.

So, then, why do we have to feel responsible for having them?

I don’t think we do.

How we deal with them, sure, that’s something that’s up to us.

On which of them we choose to act, yes, that’s also our choice.

But what crazy notions pop up when our minds are going into overdrive is not something we have control over.

Okay, what does that mean?

Well, it means we don’t have to judge ourselves so harshly on the thoughts we’re having. We also don’t have to keep monitoring it so closely out of fear that something embarrassing will pop up. After all, WE ARE NOT OUR MINDS.

Meaning, we don’t have to treat our minds like they’re God almighty. We don’t have to listen to it like everything it thinks comes true. Instead, we can use the “baby-or-friend” approach. What’s that? I’ll explain.

Depending on the situation, we can alternate between treating our mind like it’s a baby or a trusted friend.

When I’m not consciously introducing thoughts to think about, I’ll treat it like it’s a cute baby: I can calmly sit back and watch it ramble to itself. I can look at it go and smile at how much effort it’s putting in—isn’t it cute? Ah man, all the things it’s thinking. That sure must be a stressful life.

But I don’t feel like it’s my fault if the baby were suddenly to start saying messed-up things. Because I didn’t choose for that to happen.

But, when I want to solve a problem or figure something out, I can get into the driver’s seat and introduce the thoughts I want to start having. Then it’ll be like a trusted friend: I’ll listen to it intently because I value his opinion. I’ll thank him for his input, but I’ll also know that he is not perfect. He might get something wrong now and then. Which is okay. It’s still useful stuff most of the time, and he really wants to help.

When I’m done, I can relax and let it go back to its cute, slightly messed up, rambling default state… Man, will you look at it go?