A solution to all problems and to none

Guy in a meadow

I have some questions I want to know the answer to. These are things that have been bugging me for a while now. I figured I’d just write them down and see if I can come up with some answers.

What I've been thinking about

Alright, here are some things that I’ve been wrestling with. They are in no particular order. I’ll just roughly sketch each one out:

Thing I’ve been wrestling with #1:

It’s a little difficult to describe because it’s kind of a vague feeling. I hope I can still explain what I mean.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been unsure a lot. It’s hard to even put my finger on exactly what it is. It’s less about little things and more about big questions like “How should I live my life?”, “Am I doing things right?” and “What the hell is even going on with this crazy world?”

Yes, those are difficult questions, but for some reason I feel like I’ve gotten more unsure in answering them in the last couple of months. Hmm, how to describe it… maybe I’ve been discovering more and more of how little I actually know, and that has shattered the false confidence I had about me knowing what I’m doing, deep down.

Maybe before I was more blind to my ignorance, but now that I’m confronted with it, I am forced to face the fact that I don’t have everything under control. And that feels scary. And unsettling.

It sort of feels like I’m back in school. I’m sitting in the back of the class, goofing around with a buddy of mine, not paying attention. I’m having fun. I feel great!

Then, the teacher asks me a question. I look up and realize, “Uh oh” not only do I not know the answer to her question, I have no idea what topic we’re even talking about. I am thoroughly screwed. Then, trying to catch up, I’ll ask my other buddy (who has been paying attention, the nerd) a question to get a rough idea of what we were doing the last hour. But I don’t understand his explanation. I realize I’ve missed so much; I don’t even know where to begin asking questions. I don’t understand anything.

That’s what it kind of feels like: I was just living life, having fun, thinking that I’m doing great. Then, I’m confronted with a difficult question, and I have to admit, I don’t know that much. Turns out, I’m kind of confused. But not just confused by a question or two; no, my confusion starts with what exactly I’m even confused about.

The only difference in the analogy to me being confused in school is that in school there were other people who did know what was going on. In life, however, I’m pretty sure we’re all just kind of winging it. Sure, some might know a little more about what’s what, but I doubt anybody has all the answers.

So, yeah, number one is apparently me and everybody else having been sick on the day there was the “fundamentals of life” class.

Thing I’ve been wrestling with #2:

Something else I’ve noticed is, I really want to do things “right”. It is very important to me to be able to label things as right or wrong. I seem to derive comfort from classifying things as such. I guess it makes things simpler. Because once everything is either black or white, it’s easy for me to know where I stand. Am I doing the right things? Alright, good job, keep going. Not doing the right things? That’s bad. Stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right ones.

I suspect at least part of the reason I do it is that I use it as a protection mechanism against the never-ending uncertainty of life. Being able to tell myself that I’m doing things right also makes me feel good.

However, since the world isn’t always black or white, 0 or 1, on or off, my need to classify things as such can really stress me out. Especially if it makes me obsess over minute details. For example, I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather lately. So, I was debating whether to still go train or not. That’s not really a life-changing decision (probably). But it still stressed me out.

I really wanted to know what the right decision was. Which I had a hard time figuring out because both sides had some valid arguments. I couldn’t just go, “Whatever, I’ll just pick one.” I needed to have the security of knowing I was doing the right, the correct, the just thing. I wanted to know which choice aligns with the person I’m trying to be. Which choice will strengthen my character?

And I do this with big decisions, but I also do this with little ones. Ones where the “right” answer might be, “Whatever, I’ll just pick one.” And that adds a lot of unnecessary stress to my life.

Thing I’ve been wrestling with #3:

I can be quite hard on myself. And I don’t think it’s good. I also can be hard on myself for being so hard on myself. Not great. I’m such a stupid idiot! No, I’m just kidding. I’m working on it, but I still struggle with it.

Thing I’ve been wrestling with #4:

This is probably related to some of the things above. Something I’ve heard Jordan Peterson say is, “Self-conscious thoughts are very tightly associated with the experience of negative emotion.” Formulated a different way, “The more self-conscious you are, the more miserable you are.”

His solution is to start thinking about other people more:

“If you go into a party and your goal is to make everyone else feel at ease, you won’t be anxious. But if your goal when you go to a party is ‘I don’t want to be anxious’, all you’ll do is think about how anxious you are, and all that’ll do is make you awkward, and all that’ll do is make you anxious. Then you’ll have a miserable time at the party.”

That’s a really interesting thought and one I haven’t heard before. So, I’ve been thinking about that and how it applies to my own life. But I’m not exactly sure what to make of it yet.

Analysis of the things I’ve been struggling with

Right, so my original thought was, “This is going to be great. I’m going to write down all the things that have been bugging me; I’ll take a swift, analyzing look at them, quickly solve everything, and I’ll be good to go!”

Unsurprisingly, when it came time to do the second part, I found myself struggling.

The thing is, I don’t know how to solve those problems. If I did, I wouldn’t have been wrestling with them for a while. And yes, writing about things and analyzing them does help me in figuring stuff out. But usually I take one thing, think about it a lot, and try to just understand the problem a little better.

Here, I just bunched up some of the most difficult and complex problems I’ve been having, smushed them all together, and was all excited to see how I was going to solve them in a couple of minutes.

Yes, great plan.

Just not very realistic.

I mean, one of them is, “I’m pretty much confused about life in general.” Another one is, “Huh, I’m too hard on myself. How do I fix that?” And then I got, “Oh yeah, I’m also in my head too much. I’d like to do something about that too.”

Right now, I’m just looking at the last paragraph and laughing.

When I write it like that, it does seem a little far-fetched to assume I’m now quickly going to find the solution to all those issues.

So, yes, I know what you’re thinking: “Ah man, what the hell kind of article is this? I mean, he laid out all these fascinating problems, and now he’s not even going to fix them?!”

Well, no. Not really. But luckily, I did notice something else.

Two things, actually.

Thing I noticed #1:

I started asking myself: Why do I have this insatiable need to solve everything? Why is it so important for me to always get everything right? Why do I feel like I need to have all the answers?

And perhaps the one that’s most important to me: Why do I struggle so much with being uncertain?

And after digging deep, I came up with the following:

Maybe the reason I so desperately need to keep moving is because I don’t like where I’m at. And maybe I can’t stand the thought of slowing down because I hate walking.

Maybe part of me just wants to be done with it all, to get to the place where there are no more problems and no more hardship.

Maybe I’ve been chasing the illusion of “Once I do x, I can be happy.”

Only that I keep doing x, and I’m still not happy.

After I wrote it down, it reminded me of something I’ve read from David Deida: “Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done. They think, ‘If I can work enough, then one day I could rest.’”

I guess that I have been chasing that hope for a while now. The hope of “one day it will be done.”

“Deferred Happiness Syndrome is the common feeling that your life has not begun, that your present reality is a mere prelude to some idyllic future.

This idyll is a mirage that’ll fade as you approach, revealing that the prelude you rushed through was in fact the one to your death.” — Gurwinder Bhogal

That describes how I’ve been feeling pretty well. Which gives me a lot to think.

Thing I noticed #2:

While reading back what I’d written about the things I’ve been wrestling with, I felt like I sounded very serious, very analytical. Which in and of itself isn’t bad, but when it gets to the point where everything is serious and I’m having no fun, that might mean I’m not in a great place. It might mean I’ve been looking at things the same way for too long.

So, I thought, “I might not know how to move forward with the things that have been bugging me. But am I even getting the fundamentals right?”

And the answer was no.

There are a lot of things I know would be very beneficial to the quality of my life if I would just do them. But I’ve been negligent with them.

That’s why I figured it might be a good idea to go back to the basics.

What are the basics? Here are mine:

  • Get up early. Get up at about the same time every day. Get 7-9 hours of good sleep per night.

  • Cut back on numbing, distracting yourself, and procrastinating.

  • Frequently spend time with and connect with people you care about. Make sure those people make you a better person, not a worse one.

  • Get regular, strenuous exercise.

  • Have a structured plan for what you want to accomplish today.

  • Make some time every day to just be. No phone, no music, no distractions, no nothing. Just sit and see what comes up.

  • Eat clean, healthy food you enjoy.

  • Practice being grateful for the little things once or twice a day.

These are quite simple things, mostly. They might not be easy to do, but they’re not complex to understand. And I’ve discovered time and time again that few things are as impactful as the fundamentals.

Also, most of those things are actions. Because, as George Mack puts it, “Telling someone to think their way out of overthinking is like telling someone to snort their way out of a cocaine addiction.”

That’s why I’ve found that it is far more effective for me to: “Use the body to control the mind.” — Andrew Huberman.

It’s not that analyzing or thinking are bad things. Not at all. I just tend to overdo them. That is why it is almost always a good idea for me to get out of my head. By doing something with my body.

“Almost all harm, almost all self-harm, and unfortunate things in life are the consequence of a poorly regulated autonomic nervous system.” (also Andrew Huberman). And the list above are the things that help me tremendously in staying well-regulated and balanced.

Now, if you want some more practical suggestions on how to go about implementing those things in your life, I got you.

Short, practical suggestions

Maybe not every suggestion will be right for you, but I’d suggest to just try them out. You can always tweak certain things later on.

Get up early. Get up at about the same time every day. Get 7-9 hours of good sleep per night.

  • Get up between 6 and 8 pm. Pick a time and get up at that time every day.

  • Go to bed somewhere between 10 pm and midnight. Again, same time every night.

  • No screens or anything that agitates you 1 to 2 hours before going to bed.

  • Sleep in as dark and quiet a room as you can manage.

  • Good night.

Cut back on numbing, distracting yourself, and procrastinating.

  • What are things you are drawn to when you are feeling down but not when you are doing well? Common examples would be: drinking, eating junk food, porn, drugs, social media, video games, smoking, gambling, or self-harm.

  • Notice how the urge to do them comes up whenever you’re uncomfortable or stressed.

  • Recognize that you are using that substance or activity to run from a feeling.

  • Allow yourself to feel the feeling instead of numbing it. It will be difficult, but I think you will be better for it.

Frequently spend time with and connect with people you care about. Make sure those people make you a better person, not a worse one.

  • Spend focused time with people you care about at least three times per week.

  • Go cook a delicious, healthy meal together. Go for a run. Go hiking. Go play some board games. Go try something new.

  • If you’ve been struggling with something and trust that person, consider opening up a little. See how they respond. If they respond well, maybe you can open up a little bit more next time.

Get regular strenuous exercise.

  • Do something physically difficult three times per week. This could be running, swimming, climbing, CrossFit, martial arts, hot yoga, or a team sport.

  • Basically anything where you’re either so exhausted or so focused on it that you can’t think about anything else is probably not bad.

Have a structured plan for what you want to accomplish today.

  • Don’t waste your morning. Do not start scrolling on your phone immediately after waking up.

  • Instead, go take a walk, come back, sit down, and ask yourself: If I accomplished only one thing today, what would I like that to be?

  • Start with that. Set a goal of what specific thing you want to accomplish in the next four hours.

  • Work on it diligently with no distractions.

Make some time every day to just be. No phone, no music, no distractions, no nothing. Just sitting and seeing what comes up.

  • Eliminate all distractions.

  • Just sit and stare at the most boring part of the room you’re in.

  • Probably some thoughts or feelings will start creeping up that you don’t want to look at.

  • And you don’t have to. But remember, “That which you most need to find will be found where you least want to look.” — Carl Jung

  • So, there might be some benefit in confronting what you’ve been hiding from. I, personally, have definitely found that to be true.

Eat clean, healthy food you enjoy.

  • Avoid processed foods and ones with lots of sugar.

  • Eat fresh food.

  • Get some protein, fruits and veggies.

Practice being grateful for little things once or twice a day.

  • You can do this in two minutes.

  • Sit down somewhere quiet, ideally in nature.

  • Recognize all the amazing things in your life that you’ve been taking for granted.

  • Feel that gratitude with every fiber of your being.

  • After that you can go on with your day again.

Summary

I wrote down some difficult problems like “What’s my path in life?” and “I’m overthinking things.” I thought I could fix them quickly. I couldn’t. But I did notice two things:

  1. The reason it is so important to me to always get better is probably because subconsciously I’ve been thinking: If I just keep getting better, one day I’ll be enough.

  2. Figuring out difficult problems is fine, but paying attention to the fundamentals is probably more important. And I haven’t been paying my dues.

In order to get back to the basics, I wanted to define the basics. Which for me are the following:

  • Get up early. Get up at about the same time every day. Get 7-9 hours of good sleep per night.

  • Cut back on numbing, distracting yourself, and procrastinating.

  • Frequently spend time with and connect with people you care about. Make sure those people make you a better person, not a worse one.

  • Get regular, strenuous exercise.

  • Have a structured plan for what you want to accomplish today.

  • Make some time every day to just be. No phone, no music, no distractions, no nothing. Just sit and see what comes up.

  • Eat clean, healthy food you enjoy.

  • Practice being grateful for the little things once or twice a day.

If you want inspiration or some suggestions on how to go about those, I wrote down some practical examples for you to try. Because this is a summary and I want to see what I can come up with, I’m going to try to boil it down to the length of a tweet (280 characters):

Get good sleep and some difficult exercise. Connect with other human beings. Don’t eat at McDonald’s so much. Set some goals. Stop trying to avoid feeling bad. No more cocaine and hooker binges (or watching Netflix or whatever you’re into) to numb. See the glass half-full.

Hmm, not sure how useful that tweet actually is. Probably not a bad idea to also read the full section.

Alright, good luck everybody. I believe in you.

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