It was a harsh world. Unforgiving, brutal, and cold. Only the bravest of the brave survived.
…
There was a small campfire at the edge of the woods. From a distance the fire looked like a little dancing flame in a vast sea of darkness. Flickering and moving like it was performing a show for nobody but itself.
Of course, that little fire was no match for the shadows that had overtaken the world. But it was something. It was enough for the two men sitting opposite each other at the campfire.
The men looked like they had been sitting there for a while. Neither of them spoke. Neither of them moved. They just stared into the flames and waited. Waited for better times, for a more promising future. Even though they both knew it would never come.
A casual observer might mistake these two men for friends. Nothing could be further from the truth. They trusted one another about as far as they could see. Which was not far. The only reason they were sitting at this campfire together was that they had learned the other’s usefulness. That was all that kept them from trying to slice one another’s throats like they had tried so many times.
…
These were not good times to live in. In fact, they were bad times to live in. Dark times too. Because it was darkness that had befallen the world. Like a disease, it had spread and taken a hold of everything that was good and pure.
Yes, these times were grim and hopeless. They were so laden with suffering, the weight of it was almost too much to bear. And it was for some.
There was no escaping from this pain. There was no distracting from it. There was only the acceptance of this constant sorrow that never left you. The constant reminder that the old world was no longer. And that it would never be again.
But only a fool thought about things that could not be. And the foolish ones had died a long time ago. The ones that were left didn’t dream about silly fairy tales. They had no use for such fantasies. They had learned to focus solely on surviving yet another day.
…
Jeff Bezos in particular had learned this lesson the hard way. In the beginning—right after the accident—he had been shocked and hurt, but still, he had had hope. Even though he walked around like in a daze, even though he hadn’t yet fully processed what had happened, he had wanted to help. He had been running around, dressing wounds, and giving CPR. He had held the hands of people who had no more hope, so that at least they didn’t have to spend their last moments alone.
And despite the fact that he was surrounded by grief and horror, even though he was swimming in pain and grief, nearly drowning, hope gave him the strength to keep going. Hope that things would get better, hope that he was making a difference.
But. With each person he tried to save but couldn’t, with each time he had shared someone’s pain and lost them anyway, his hope had slowly started to fade. Not only did things not seem to be getting better, but things seemed to be getting worse and worse.
And with him becoming less hopeful, he had also become less able to keep himself from drowning in that suffering. In becoming less and less sure that he actually was making a difference, he lost his conviction that it all mattered. That taking on all that pain was even helping anybody at all.
And with that horrible thought entering his mind, he started becoming more and more torn apart. Despair started to get a hold of him. His soul started to splinter and break.
Until he reached his breaking point. When, finally, he had to let go of one more person he had tried to save. And he just couldn’t anymore. He stopped; he gave up; he couldn’t deal with it any longer.
Now, when he heard screams for help, he assumed it was a trap and went in the opposite direction. Now, when he saw mutilated children and scarred, broken women, he kept on walking. It didn’t concern him anymore. The only way for him was to keep moving, to not stay too long in one place because who knows, shadows might creep up again.
It was a different story with the Pope. He had been leading an institution so ungodly for so long, nothing touched him anymore. If someone was foolish enough to extend a hand for help, he spat in their faces and walked away laughing. Whenever someone was suffering, he threw some salt into the wound. To him this just felt freeing. Finally, no more pretending. No more pretending to be holier-than-thou.
It felt like a throwback to older, better times. When not everybody could read yet and the Bible hadn’t been translated yet. When the people relied on the church to tell them what was right and what was wrong. That had been true freedom.
People had been desperate for guidance back then, terrified of the world and their own sins. Oh yes, back then they had come to him. Begging, looking up to him, for he was their salvation. He had been the essence of all things good. And graceful as he was, he had allowed people to wash themselves clean from their sins. By giving money to the church.
It was no wonder these two men didn’t get along. The first time they met, it had been a fucking bloodbath. The Pope and his gang of sinful priests had been enjoying a particularly violent night out. They had gathered some puppies, little children, and a talking sandwich (there it is). Then, the children and puppies had to watch the first and last ever talking sandwich get eaten (while it was screaming bloody murder). After which, the children and puppies got beaten and also eaten, although they were cooked first (too much raw meat is a no-good diet for big, mean, sadistic priests).
That was the scene Jeff Bezos and his fierce mob of tape gun-wielding Amazon employees stumbled upon. (After the accident, Jeff Bezos and his gang had taken a quick course on hand-to-hand combat, gathered some tape guns, and started fighting evil.) Which was definitely what they encountered when they stumbled upon this horrific scene (bits of talking sandwich still in the Pope’s beard).
They were shocked and outraged. They grabbed their tape guns (and real guns, which often were even more effective) and charged into battle. The Pope started screaming, “Get them, get them!” in a high-pitched voice while hiding behind his men. The priests drew mean-looking knives and toothpicks they had used to clean pieces of puppies out of their teeth.
The two troops clashed into each other, and rage and fury and self-righteousness filled the air. Amazon employees got stabbed, got cut, lost blood. Priests got packaged up, shot, and impaled because maybe they were vampires. The screams were heard far away. The battle lasted 7 minutes (because Amazon employees are efficient).
At last the Pope and two of his men were still standing. And Jeff Bezos and four of his men were still standing.
Jeff and his men went to business and decapitated the last two priests. Then, the Pope dropped his act. He also dropped his robe. Which made him look like this.
He killed all of the four Amazon men in a second. He slashed, cut, and crushed in a daze. Now it was just him and Jeff. Jeff now dropped his robe. Which made him look like this.
They looked at the size of each other’s biceps and were impressed. Then they fought. They fought for 17 days and three years. It was an even fight. However, slowly things started to change. Jeff Bezos started getting the upper hand. The Pope’s eyes widened when he came to the same realization.
Fear started getting a hold of the Pope. And it was not a feeling he liked. Before things could get worse, the Pope did something devilish. He splashed holy water in Jeff Bezos’ eyes and ran away quickly.
This was their first encounter, and the ones following didn’t end much better.
However, as it often does, times started to change. A new force began to arise. A force that started digging its rotten roots deep into the earth. A force so powerful and evil that both Jeff Bezos and the Pope hated it. Which makes it pretty darn evil. They hated it even more than they hated each other. This new player didn’t care about shipping little brown boxes. It also didn’t hypocritically point out other people’s sins.
It was the climate change activists. Gone rogue. Yep. That is the worst thing. Climate activists gone rogue. Don’t get no more terrible than that.
The climate change activists joined forces with the oil drilling and spilling Saudis and became almost unstoppable.
This new development scared the Pope and Jeff Bezos so much, they decided to join forces. They vowed to destroy the climate activists and the Saudis.
But they still despised each other with a passion you’ll find seldomly.
Want an example of what I mean? Here is how they discussed their battle plan sitting at the campfire.
Pope: “So, you’ll give me some more snacks from empty Amazon warehouses and…”
Jeff interrupting him: “I think you’ve had enough. You have gained quite a few pounds lately!”
Pope *gasps*: “How dare you! I always try to look nice for you!”
Jeff: “I’m sorry… I just thought we wanted to be honest with one another.”
Pope: “Honest is very different from rude. I thought you’d have learned that by now, Jeff.”
Jeff: “Alright, now don’t get all moral with me, Pope. You’ve done some pretty bad things too.”
Pope: “All right, first of all, to you it’s Mr. Pope. Also, what bad have I done?”
Jeff: “Remember when I finally agreed to try your praying thing and you snuck up from behind and gave me a wet willy? That was mean!”
Pope *snickers*: “He he, yeah, good times… You also learned a valuable lesson there, my young padawan. Never trust anybody.”
Jeff: “What? But you said to put my trust in Jesus Christ. That way I’d get into heaven, you said.”
Pope: “Yes, yes… We’ve been saying that for years. And has anyone ever even reached heaven? God only knows.” To himself: “Ha ha, good one, Mr. Pope.”
Jeff: “Alright, you’re just being mean today. I’m going to bed!”
And to bed he went.
See?! Horrific dialogues. Now understand why they hate each other so much.
Alright, long story short: The Pope gave Jeff another wet willy while Jeff was sleeping. Jeff was furious. Jeff killed the Pope. Now all alone, Jeff was an easy target for the Saudis, and they killed him. Then the climate change activists killed the Saudis. After which they spent the rest of their lives yachting around the world and dumping toxic waste (which is basically anything that comes out of a climate activist) in the ocean and enjoying the sight of baby seals dying.
The end.
(Also, watch out for wet willies.)